Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Glitz & Glamour of Motherhood... pt 674

Today was Melbourne Cup day! I was invited to a fancy charity afternoon tea complete with fancy frocks, stilettos, champagne, strawberries... you know, all that stuff.

I didn't make it.

No folks, I had something far far more glamorous to attend.

I've talked previously about how glitzy and glamorous motherhood is.

Well it is, isn't it?

This afternoon was no exception. I picked up Fern from preschool and headed home, for once organised enough to have rice precooked and in the fridge ready for making fried rice for dinner (normally I consider dinner about 12 minutes before it needs to be served) and was feeling rather good about making it to the gym for a 6.30pm class.

We arrived home and I asked Fern if she needed to go to the toilet. Strangely, my daughter seems to have stage fright, and will not do - ahem - number two's at school. No - despite the fact I am paying someone else to deal with toileting angst once a week, Fern prefers to wait until she is in the sanctum of her own bathroom to do her business. And whatevs.

But no, Fern didn't need to go.

Except I knew better.

And - over dinner - my mother's intuition and expert nose caught a bouquet of something untoward. I looked toward Elliott, because he is renowned for the ole dinner sneaky-poo.

But it wasn't him.

Suspiciously, I pulled the back of Fern's skirt back to have a look, and as I did something frightful came away in my hand.



Elliott was completely covered in food as usual. I grabbed both children and made way for the bathroom. As I peeled clothes off, the catastrophe went from bad to worse.  I mean, without being too graphical about this I have never. ever. seen so much you-know-what in my entire life. It was so bad, all three of us had to jump in the shower together.

It was so bad, it spread all over the shower.

So bad, there were bits on Fern's shoulders.

So bad, it was in Elliott's hair.

So bad, I used an entire container of Body Shop strawberry scrub to get rid of the smell.

So bad, I had to wait in the shower for half an hour with both kids until Dan came home to carry the kids out.

Half a bottle of disinfectant, three quarters of a spray-bottle of BAM, three cloth nappies and a pair of rubber-gloves later I emerged from the bathroom.

It was 7pm.

Needless to say, I did not make it to the gym.

Glitz. Glamour. You have not experienced either until you are naked and wet from the shower, down on your hands and knees with an old cloth nappy, scubbing poo from the floor while your childless friends are at parties, sipping champagne from crystal flutes...

Little Miss innocent.......

How bout you? Did you frock up and watch the gg's? Hopefully your afternoon was somewhat more 'glam' than mine!!


  1. Oh My Goodness...LOL..you poor thing. I have gone through something similar with Jacq and its NOT nice...not to mention the number of times he has decided to do number two's in the bath just as I he has hopped in...floating poop balls everywhere..gross! I think you handled it pretty darn well lovely...good skills Mum!
    P.S Is that your latest creation Fern is modelling? absolutely adorable...love it! x

  2. Aww how can that sweet face cause any kind of drama?! So funny!! Well maybe not for you :) No glamour here whatsoever either today x

  3. Yep - that's the essence of motherhood right there - in all it's glam glory!!!
    Some girlfriends and I entertained thoughts and talk of a 'big' day out.
    Instead we lunched here with the kids.
    The reality version!
    You poor thing. Hope the smell has left your nostrils!!

  4. No frocking up here Nicole, it was Mama on duty with the boys, just like any other Tues arvo. Though nothing quite as glamorous as your arvo/evening, that sounded seriously intense. I have had similar poo incidents here, though thankfully I usually escape without getting it on me :o/ Bummer you didn't get to the gym, it always sucks when you plan so hard for something like that and it doesn't come off. Fern is extra gorgeous which makes up for it all though ;o) xo

  5. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! You poor thing! I had a similar poo incident on the weekend too - the joys of motherhood hey! And no, no fancy Melb cup event for me. Although I did go to the movies last night with my Sis-in-law which was a treat. I love Fern's dress, gorgeous fabric!

  6. LOL! Sorry, but I couldn't help it. BAM alright! I normally at least listen to or watch the race but yesterday I totally forgot all about it until I jumped in the car to do the school pick up and heard the lead up on the radio. Tried to watch it when I got home but Giggle & Hoot prevailed. But I LOVE your story of the Poo That Stopped The Nation. No doubt you'll recall it every year on Cup Day!

  7. you know, I don't really get into the races. v unaustralian of me , I know! Boo about the poo though :(

  8. We had a very quite day and spent it as a family. It was lovely.
    Love your little girl's dress... just beautiful

  9. Baahhhaaahaaaa!!! Sorry, just peed my pants laughing!

  10. Wah ha. That's what life is all about. Until you have cleaned up ridiculous amounts of poo from a playroom floor that has also been spread amongst various toys, rugs, clothes etc... you haven't lived. Well that's what i say anyway! Congrats to surviving the poo drama! x

  11. You poor thing! Have had similar incidences with Grace and straight into the shower it was :) No Melbourne cup fun here either... too busy trying to settle/feed/change our new little one :)


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